[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.