[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.