[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*