[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???