[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!