[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.