[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
ACED my prostate exam!
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.