[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
black phone good
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think