Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
What the hell is going on?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….