*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
selfie game
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway