*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I feel it
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.