@briangaar: [interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
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@jwoodham: DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
@inmynewskin: I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
@cuckoo_cachu: At this point, I'm positive I've read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates. *crosses off bucket list*