@briangaar: [interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
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@Fred_Delicious: "Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight? Me: Absolutely not D: Why? M: Because I said so D: Because you ate them? M: Yes
@maurex23: WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore. EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear-- CEO: you're fired.