@briangaar: [interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
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@AverageCorners: My garden shed door keeps opening and closing. Is it the wind? Yes. Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
@abbycohenwl: Roommate: So how was the party? Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me [flashback to party] Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom? Me: Yeah
@Jamie1947: In my youth, there was no "snapschapts". If you liked a young lady, you'd draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.