Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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I’m dying louder than usual today.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
This why you should mind your business
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The “baby” on the left….
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
crying