kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
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this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.