Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home