News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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When can I start eating bats again.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
much to think about
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m giving up ice.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
But wait…
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors