I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going