*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating