[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.