“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.