[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]