[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Best seat on the street 😍
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
describing stardew valley
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.