[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?