[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off