[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The USS B port
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on