[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
That’s not how days work.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.