exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.