her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.