(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
crazy
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules