[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown