*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.