[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me