[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A fake ID that makes you younger
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*