Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?