[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
he looks great for his age
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Every haunted house movie:
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The Book. The Movie.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you