When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist