what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I just ran a .003048K
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.