[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Y’all ready for this
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.