[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO