Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?