[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
True?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Steam Forums
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH