[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Weirdly Wednesday.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.