[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*