Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
You Might Also Like
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Hero horse inspires millions
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born