What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”