Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”