Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]