INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest