INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security