Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.