Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no