Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
stop